All you need is love, a rather famous British band once insisted. Love can also make you crazy. Love can destroy your life. About a million poets and country musicians can tell you all about it but somehow you don’t really get it until it happens to you. And it will happen to you if it hasn’t happened yet. Just give it time (cue spooky music). 

More about that later. I haven’t had the best track record when it comes to romance. I’m like that Richard Gere writer character in that movie I still insist I have never seen when I am among certain circles. The part where I am very much like him is when the bartender dude tells him, “you know, for a good looking guy, you strike out a lot.” Yep. There it is. Although I don’t so much as strike out, I wipe out. Wipe out might not do it justice — we’re talking about scorched earth here. 

Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out why.

Why doesn’t interest you much when you’re a young dude making the rounds. You figure you already know everything you need to know about that romance shit. For some reason, humans are compelled to fly by the seat of their pants without instruction manuals. Eventually, when a relationship crashes you might ask yourself “wait, what?” Some people ask that question during their first bout of the broken hearted blues. Others ask it during the third or fourth time. Others might never ask it at all. Others might be a tad aware that something is wrong, but ignore it in the hope that it will just go away — I’ve been that last type for most of my existence.

 Everything that can go wrong can and will go wrong. Some brilliant person came up with that somewhere … I don’t know who, and I don’t know where. I hope whoever endured the ancient Chinese curse for crafting such a truism: may you live in interesting times. I hope whoever fell for and endured as many slobbering lunatics as I have. I hope that smarty pants has been pushed to the brink, irritated, been fleeced, and just felt like the biggest fool that ever did fool as many times as I have. 

As you have guessed, I’m pretty clueless when it comes to the arts of love. I know much more less useful things about shit that doesn’t even exist. Stuff like which Targaryen ruled during what and what they did. Still, this hasn’t stopped me from coming up with a list of steps to having a successful relationship. Why not? This is America … in which people who don’t know shit or what they are talking about are frequently called upon to do jobs they are woefully unprepared and unsuitable for. On the upside, the list will be short.

Don’t Be a Lying Shit. Al Franken once wrote a book called Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. I never read that book but I always thought it was a wonderful title. Wanna have a good ‘ship? Don’t lie to your honey. Even if you feel a lie might be necessary, sparing them from some kind of hurt, don’t fucking do it. Lies are bad. Seriously. Also, and here is a key point, endure no lies. Don’t put up with it. Don’t put up with it one fucking second. 

Don’t Be a Stingy Shit. All those relationship experts talk about how financial troubles will doom a relationship. They are right. Life is expensive and life together is twice that. If your honey needs help and you can help, help. Work financial matters out together. Figure out a plan and stick to it. The other side of this is that you need to recognize when you are being used. If, for example, if the person only loves you more than life three days before your direct deposit hits, and you haven’t seen hide nor hair of them for weeks before, you might want to consider getting the fuck out. Fucking go! And don’t talk yourself out of it. 

Don’t Be a Shit with Your Honey’s Family. All of his or her relatives might be dicks from the seventh level of hell. You might know this fairly quickly as you and your partner get closer. All the same, it might be in your best interest to hold your peace about it. No doubt, your partner is well-aware that their relatives are dicks, after all, they’ve lived with them much longer than you have. Sometimes being supportive is being quiet. On the other hand, put up with no creepy fucking relative sneaking and scumming around. And if your partner looks at you with a dreamy look on his or her face and tells you that his or creepy sibling is his or her “life” then by all means, feel free to be profoundly disturbed. Shut that shit down. Shut that shit down with a flamethrower if you have to. 
Don’t Be a Cheating Shit. My dad frequently complains about the loose morals of today’s society. Don’t let that surprise you or anything. The guy is somebody’s grandfather, after all. Despite the granddad talk, there do seem to be quite a few, ah, philanders roaming around out there. Personally, I see no point in being involved with somebody exclusively if you’re going to serial date or anything else. To be a bit more serious, cheating on somebody who loves you is one of the worst emotional blows you can deliver to that person. I should also add that sleeping around is only one form of infidelity. Not claiming a person or perhaps lying about the state of your relationship are other forms of infidelity. By the way, there is a saying that applies to this “the grass is greener on the other side because it is fertilized by bullshit.” Indeed. Don’t be a cheater and don’t tolerate it from your partner. If they do it once, they will do it again.
Okay! That does it for words of wisdom from the unwise. In all seriousness, I think people should all strive for happiness in whatever they’re doing. If you’re happy with whoever you’re with, good for you. If you’re just not happy then you should move on. Life is too short to be miserable all the time. Look for happiness and be happy.

I mean, I guess. I don’t know much.



  1. Thanks for sharing this. All of my exes could’ve used your list, with quite a bit of emphasis on the “shit” for each tip. Frankly, and I’m sure you’re very well aware of this, the older one gets, the wiser one becomes when it comes to relationships (certainly, the “pickier” as well). Over the past decade or so, I’ve tended be drawn to guys who have been through the ringer at least once (and aren’t freshly out of it, of course) simply because they KNOW; they’re empathetic; they’ve been there, too. Sometimes, it works out. Sometimes, it doesn’t because the other hasn’t fully healed yet and is exhibiting all the signs of having been in a distrustful relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading this. My list is simple, but the older I get, I appreciate simple more. Ive also realized that people have a tendency to overcomplicate the simplest stuff…human nature I guess. I think the simplest thing in the world is if you care about somebody, do not harm them. It’s a pity that a lot of people just don’t get that.


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