ON BAD LUCK (Or Grappling For The Point)

You’ve got bad, bad luck…

Social Distortion got that right. I do. Always have. I’m not conceptualizing luck as a force outside of human control and experiance. People bring whatever luck they experience themselves. They’re wired up to be a certain way and do stupid shit.

And fall for certain shit.

My first real girlfriend, let’s call her L, was oh around the 8th grade. She liked me. We kissed. Then she went out with a friend of mine instead. Hit the breaks — what?

I was inexperienced with stuff (who isn’t at that age). My dad and I had never had a “little talk” about that sort of thing. He saw me as a pretty bright kid so maybe he thought I already knew. I didn’t know. Maybe he didnt know himself. I’m still not sure.

Heartbreak is a terrible thing. I think the consequences are never correctly dramatized in the media — maybe they’re not able to have that little talk with us either. You come out on the other end with part of you cut out, low feeling and worthless. You emerge from the grief harder and more cynical.

That’s not exactly what I felt way back then but there was a twinge I didn’t understand. I had no direction so I was left to deal with it the best I could. That was the start of the long road of holding on to feelings and overinternalizing things.

No, dad wasnt responsible— I’m not saying that. Those talks can be hard. It’s hard to face the person whose little butt you diapered and say, “its a hard old world and it gives fuck-all about you.” You honestly (foolishly) think it will all be different with your children.

When my ex-wife decided to take a powder it was not completely my fault. I share the blame although maybe she hasn’t come to terms with her own blame yet. Blame is nothing when you get all twisted up into believing its all your fault. I believed that for years and have had people do that to me in order to distract from their own guilt and cruelties. That’s worse than having your heart busted. It’s hard to come back all the way from something like that.

Some people are too hard on themselves, that’s a fact. Many seek the truth when it’s just right there… as obvious as the sun coming up in the morning. In time, you learn to trust your instincts or maybe you don’t. Not trusting your instincts can lead to a while world of hurt — bad luck, let us say.

You can fall for anything when you blind yourself to the way a person actually is, or blind yourself to the world falling down around you, or your life quickly going to hell. When the moment of clarity comes you can’t believe it, bad luck for you. Take a big clue and call me in the morning.

I can use a bit of a clue myself. Especially, as you’ve probably already excavated from all this word clutter, with relationships. I do something stupid and run people off worth having or I can’t see that some people are essentially horror shows. Not seeing has bulldozed my life several times. Not that the people who do that sort of thing really care about you but they seem to not have the ability to comprehend the damage they do. That could mean all kinds of bad stuff— that you’ve been with a sociopath, maybe. Scary stuff. We smelled you coming, Clarice.

We also smell suckers. You got — you guessed it.

I’m a sucker from hell. I have overly romantic vapors and stupid notions with not much middle ground between the two. Frequently, I just end up chasing my own tail. I’m not spotless. I’ve shoveled plenty of bullshit myself. Pull pin throw BOOM. My own sins don’t stop me from feeling guilt or hurting over loosing somebody I love.

I think the sad thing about all of this is what makes some of us capable of loving an absolute abyss of a human being even after we know what they are. People are capable of redemption, sure. People also have to want it. Some people just want to watch the world burn, to crib The Dark Knight. They also just want to do you a handy dandy favor and burn you.

I’m not sure if there’s a point to all of this. I’m writing sort of blind. Is there ever an end to bad luck? I don’t know. That’s probably up to you, friends and neighbors.

And up to me too.

2 thoughts on “ON BAD LUCK (Or Grappling For The Point)

  1. You sound as if you’ve still mega-stuff internalizing, which, for those of us who’d been continuously hurt, is righteous and “adult-y.” We need some reflection on all that “bad luck,” and we need empathy. You have it, you realize. You know my take. 2016 will be better, I predict.

    Liked by 1 person

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